There is a scar on my right leg. Up top, near my knee. It’s small. It will likely fade in the next few weeks. But when I get dressed each morning or shower, or my hand brushes against it, I remember.
I remember that night under the stars, beside a campfire we built, on a cashmere goat farm where I bullishly split sticks on my leg feeling strong, capable, free. I remember the quick “ouch,” the teeny blood gathering and then a sly smile spreading across my face as I thought to myself “a battle wound.”
But that was near the end.
A couple of days before my 31st birthday, I set out on a bit of an adventure. Three friends (from the race) and I had planned a 25 day road trip out west. We were ready to explore the national parks, fellowship together, and let the Holy Spirit be our guide. The trip was 80% obedience from a vision I had received in India where God told me to ride out west with my gals. The other 20% was purely my adventurous spirit and need to get the heck out of my parent’s house.
And so we went. We loaded up my little SUV to the absolute brim and headed out west. We were prepared to camp each night, live on tuna kits and ramen and brave the wild unknown. We didn’t have a concrete plan. We didn’t know where we would sleep each night and we really didn’t even know which parks would be open. We didn’t know how we’d do relationally. We didn’t know how our health would hold up and we didn’t know if it would be any fun. But what we did know? We all love Jesus and we all think this is a pretty good idea.
Shea and I were the starters for Day 1. We picked up Jenn later that day and would pick up Mary Grace on Day 2.
The route looked like this: Arkansas > Colorado >Utah > Arizona > Nevada > California > Oregon > Washington > Montana > Wyoming > Colorado > Arkansas
I had never done anything quite like this before and I’ll be honest, I was a little nervy about it, but when God tells me to do something, I’ve learned to execute it at all costs and trust me, there were costs.
To spare you a novel’s worth of detail and struggle and thought and victory and disappointment and wandering, I’ll take you through some of the beauty and some of the ash. I’ll give you the version that sits in my heart after a couple weeks of processing and allow you to see into the reality – hidden behind a mountain pic on instagram or a panorama of a sunset. I’ll show you the spotlighted lessons God has been showing me and allow you to walk alongside me as he sews small patches back up that were ripped along the way.
I am so human. We are so human. We need a savior so badly. Hallelujah we have one.
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Building Faith As I Sleep
-> Psalm 4:8 In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, LORD, make me dwell in safety. <-
Some of the exhilaration of camping rests in the fact that you are exposed. You’re out there. In nature. Unprotected by a lock and key. It’s the reason a lot of people don’t like it. The only thing between you and the elements is the equivalent of a waterproof sheet and a zipper. And those elements can be lots of things if you let your imagination fly. Weather, Animals, Humans, Whoever is inside with you – You get it. It’s vulnerability at its finest.
Cool fact? We never slept in the same place twice. So I laid my head down in 25 different places over the course of the road trip. That amounted to 20 days in a tent and 5 days in various airbnb/hosts/hotels. Sometimes I was with 4 traveling companions, sometimes I was with 1. Sometimes it was just me. Sometimes there were other people near, sometimes there weren’t. Sometimes we were in campsites; sometimes we were out in the middle of nowhere. Sometimes we were in places we paid for; sometimes we were in places that were straight up against the rules.
I know we take for granted the comforts we have. But I hadn’t ever been in a position to take for granted the simple fact that I have never wondered where I was going to sleep night to night.
And even in this case, the need wasn’t humongous. Could I have paid for a hotel if I felt unsafe? Totally. Could I have booked all our nights in advance and had complete confidence in where we were headed each night. Of course.
But where’s the fun in that? Where’s the faith in that?
We wanted the freedom to pause, rewind or fast-forward. We also knew our plans would get rearranged due to Covid (which they did) so it didn’t feel like a good use of time to plan too far in advance.
So, we would find ourselves in a few situations where it was late, dark and there weren’t any campsites and the dispersed sites we thought we knew of, just, well, weren’t.
How often do you find yourself or do you put yourself in situations where God gets to flex in front of you?
I don’t know if that sounds wild or not, but it’s kind of in the American DNA to provide everything for themselves. I don’t think we practice this kind of faith enough. I know I never did before this year. And even now, I get to choose. But when I choose to let Him be, well, Him. I get blessed.
The first night I felt unsafe we ended up camping behind a public restroom at a boat ramp where there were signs that said “No Camping.” I had walked up to a Sherriff and asked what we should do and she, bless her sweet soul, basically told me that she wouldn’t be patrolling the boat ramp area any more tonight – wink wink. The boat ramp was down a hill – a perfect spot for teens to get into trouble or for shady stuff to happen. We set up in a grassy area where headlights would hit our tent multiple times that night and I couldn’t help but just feel weird about it as I lay there falling asleep.
But in those cases, you have a choice. Will you freak out or will you reach out? Do you believe that the scripture is true? Do you accept your identity as held in the hands of the Father? Are you going to let fear rule you or let God do that?
So we prayed, asked for safety and asked to be hidden away in his wings so we could rest. And we did.
It sounds simple but it was a great exercise in faith. Some people will read this and say, “How unsafe, how stupid, you could have been hurt, messed with, killed, etc.”
Yea, maybe.
But I trust the scriptures and I know my Father and in all things, He is there. When the disciples traveled after Jesus was gone, they did the exact same thing. They laid their heads in lands and in places without a tent and trusted that rest would come. How am I any different? How are you any different?
A Twist of the Knife To Settle the Pride
-> Ephesians 4:2 Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. <-
Ooooooo baby does it hurt when you realize you’ve been operating out of pride. Ouch. I’m so grateful that Jesus is a sweet, soft, gentle Shepard who calls us on our ish. We need it.
I need it.
I knew there was risk in holing myself up in a car with 3 other women. Especially 3 women I adore. When you love people, it gets complicated, amiright?
Adoration is a funny thing. I think it’s because it comes with expectations and expectations can only be put solidly on one person, Jesus. So when I try to put my faith in anyone else making me feel valued, imma fall right on my dang face.
Spoiler alert. I did.
I hurt people I loved. I said things I could have kept to myself. I acted in ways that confused people. My emotions took over sometimes. Ya know. I was human.
And I don’t say that to make an excuse but rather to state a fact. Knowing Jesus doesn’t mean I’m a great friend or sister or daughter or anything. Knowing Jesus means I know I need to know Jesus. Period. And it’s a daily battle with my flesh to stay the course.
I realized like a scream into a megaphone that there will be people that I will love and like and want in my life that will not want me to love them in the way I have deemed best. Did you catch that? The way I, ME, LINDSEY deems best.
There will be friends who say, “Hey, I don’t need you.” There will be friends who ask me to quiet the parts of me that feel like me. There will be friends who I ask to love me in a certain way, and they won’t. There will be friends who don’t want that Lindsey heart to heart. There will be times when I will fail and times when they will fail me. There will be times when it’s good to take a step back and times when it’s good to take a step forward.
And God help me if that doesn’t feel like a digging knife in my side. And God help me if I don’t need to feel that from time to time. To be reminded of my smallness and my inability to fix and my need for Jesus to sanctify my heart over and over and over again. To sit in the failure, not for long, but for long enough to understand the lesson in humility and compassion and understanding.
If you’re into the enneagram, you already know I’m a 2. And knowing that has helped demystify the parts of me that are beautiful and ugly and in need of a spotlight on them. You might also be interested to know I was traveling with a 7, a 5 and an 8. I have to smile when I write this out. We were bound for some healthy nudges and some sweet sanctification. So different and yet, so equally loved by the Father and treasured beyond belief.
It wasn’t always easy but it also wasn’t always hard and like the view you get after a long hike, sometimes you can forget the heavy breathing and the strain on your legs when you remember that mountaintop prize.
Isn’t friendship kind of like that?
Creation As a Love Letter
-> Romans 1:20 For ever since the world was created, people have seen the earth and sky. Through everything God made, they can clearly see his invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature. So they have no excuse for not knowing God. <-
My original thought as to why God had me on this road trip was to serve Him and draw Americans closer to Him. I expected World Race-esque encounters with people, gospel conversations and to come home with stories of how we led people to Christ.
That’s the truth. I really thought that. I was expectant for it.
That in itself is not a bad thing. Leading people to know Jesus is a beautiful goal, no doubt.
As is often the case, Jesus asks me to sit down. To stop working. To let Him have his way with me and within me.
Did we have some encounters with people that felt Jesus led? Yea we did. Were there many? No, not particularly.
And I struggled with that. What was this even for, Jesus?
I can see Him looking at me with a smirk on his face and a raised brow and saying, “Lindsey Jordan Pruitt, let me love you, you stubborn little bee.”
It took me about 10 days into the trip to take a big sigh of relief and sit back, and literally enjoy the ride.
One of the deepest desires of my heart is to experience God’s beautiful creation. It’s one of those just for me, not for anyone else dreams. I used to sit up late into the night when I worked for corporate and plan adventurous vacations that I would never take. I never really had anyone that could go with me and I never really had the time off myself and it always felt really out of reach to explore without end.
So when I left for the World Race I felt gifted by my Father in a really personal way and when I got sent home, this was part of the heart break.
And as strange as it seems, I never saw the road trip as a way to be blessed personally. I saw it as a step of obedience. I saw it as a part of the new job description – woman who tells people about Jesus.
So when God started showering me with sight after sight that blew my mind and led my heart to worship, I missed it at first.
I will say that the Southwest ranks lesser than the Northwest for me. I’m a mountains/forest/water kind of gal. The rocks are amazing and beautiful but they feel more like Mars to me. The forest feels comforting, familiar, plusher somehow – like home. And the water – it’s life giving, it’s symbolic for strength and movement and the carrying of God. It’s my favorite color. So maybe, just maybe that’s how I missed it at first.
Have you ever felt like you were obeying Jesus and did it out of a sense of duty and then you’ve been blessed right in the middle of it?
Cue Rivers and Robots or some other moody Christian artist.
THIS IS MY LIFE.
Jesus is constantly saying to me “I love you and I see you and I see your dreams and I want to delight you.” And I am constantly saying, “Why? ” And he not only says it but he backs it up with action. He legit blesses me over and over and over again and still I sit here saying “No, no Jesus, let me work for it, I don’t deserve any of this.”
And now as I process it all and I sit here writing this I think to myself, “What if taking in the beauty of God’s creation and allowing myself to enjoy it without guilt or expectation or shame was the point all along?”
What if even after I beat myself up for being a crappy friend or a crappy Christian or a 31 year old living with her parents or whatever – He still loves me and it doesn’t change how much he loves me?
What if allowing myself to fall in love with what I was seeing was allowing me to fall deeper in love with my creator?
What if each mountaintop and each sky full of stars and each campfire meal and each cozy campsite was a love letter just for me?
What if His beauty was always the point? And my recognition of it was always the goal and my feeling loved was always the chain link that would lead to my ignited passion for others to know this kind of love. What if that was the end? What if that was the mountain top?
Then, oh my. What a trip.
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I came home tired – emotionally, spiritually and physically. My body was worn down. My heart was heavier than before. I felt a little confused and a little dizzy from all I had just experienced.
Having ridden the highs and the lows, I needed a week or so to recalibrate and I’m still doing that now. I’m asking Jesus what he wants to teach me and how he wants me to continue to live out this interesting pause.
And so I find myself – quite literally out of the woods. Away from the quiet and the calm of the forest and the sound of the water and the little birds tweeting to wake me up.
I find myself trying to figure out how to get back out there – anywhere – just out there and wrestling with Jesus as he continues to ask me to wait patiently.
One thing I know for sure – I was born for the wild. I was created to live outside of the inside. My soul screams for sunshine and fresh air and the smell of pine and I rest while climbing a mountain and I rejoice at the color of water. I’m inspired by a path that leads to nowhere and by a perfectly fluffed cloud at sunset.
I was made for another world; we all were and it’s that longing in us to be apart of something beautiful and natural and awe inspiring that should point us right to our creator and to eternity every time. So for me? I’m going to spend the rest of my life reaching for a reality that mirrors that great and beautiful end, a life where I’m marked by battle wounds but Jesus has made me strong, capable and free.
