Are You Emotionally Healthy?

“Love in practice is a harsh and dreadful thing compared to love in dreams.” – Something I read recently that really stuck with me.

 

We have romanticized love to a proportion that is unachievable and lies to our hungry and thirsty hearts. Our world has made the pinnacle a cheap romcom experience of butterflies and sweets. It’s robbed us of the depth and unwavering strength that truth and love promise us in Christ. It’s made it look easy and also given us a panic button of sorts where we can dip out whenever it’s convenient. It’s the reason divorce rates are high and friendships fizzle after disagreements. We don’t like something or something gets hard, and we move on. And all of this just leaves us lonely, depressed, jaded, unmotivated and searching.

 

By “we,” I hope that I’m referencing the world of unbelief and not the Christian community though I know that’s likely somewhat optimistic. Either way, it’s worth mentioning that a large majority think this way.

 

 

I took some space this year to reflect on the ways the Lord has led me into emotional maturity. I haven’t reached the finish line, I’m sure, but I know for certain I’ve journeyed to a new checkpoint on the map and I’m eager to share the things I’ve learned.

 

Some of what I’m sharing is taken from a book called “Emotionally Healthy Spirituality” I recently read. No doubt, this book came as a bit of a mirror reflection on some of the learnings I had already received and puts thoughtful words and explanations to more abstract thoughts and feelings that are hard to name.

 

I recommend it.

 

Love is such a beautiful privilege and I’m certain I’ve only experienced a portion of the love that God gives us in humanity. I’m looking forward to the day that I experience romantic and parental love in their most obvious forms, though I’ve had tastes. But the love that I can name and claim experience in most is the love in friendship.

 

Addicted to depth, i don’t tend to chase after superficial acquaintances. I never have. I appreciate a joyful hello just like the next gal, but I’m here for the good stuff. I want to know you. I want to see and be seen and I desire to get underneath the surface. I want more than the mask you wear. I want to dig to the bottom of the treasure chest and sometimes I’m even willing to wait.

 

This has manifested in different ways in my life. Some people have found this uncomfortable and I’ve been “too much.” Some people have never been loved or seen in this way in their whole life and they’ve suction cupped themselves to me in ways that have made me want to run.

 

In my most unhealthy states, it’s looked like a spoonful of co-dependence. In my most healthy states, it’s looked like an unwavering love and an ability to remain unoffendable in light of knowing my worth and love that comes from Jesus alone.  

 

Last summer, I was struggling with feeling unloved by a friend I had poured a lot into. I was more hurt than I should have been. Recognizing a bit of unhealth in myself, I reached out for counsel. A mentor of mine told me,

 

“What does it look like to unconditionally love your friend regardless of what she can give you right now. Isn’t that what Jesus would do?”

 

It hit me like a ton of bricks. The only way I was going to be healthy in my relationships was if I recognized that my earthly relationships would not, in fact, would never, be the source of my comfort and love. If I’m looking at people to fill me up, I’m looking in the wrong place. A broken vessel can’t hold water, can it? We aren’t perfect and the only one that can fill in our little cracks and crevices in our ever depleted hearts is Jesus Christ himself.

 

Therefore, if I choose to look like Him and trust in faith that He will care for me, I am immediately freed from the worry and anxiety of expecting someone else to love and care for me.

 

As my friend Jenna says, it allows us to feel that hurt in relationships (it’s ok to have feelings) and clench our hands up for a second, just long enough to go to Jesus and tell Him it hurt. Then we open them right back up powered by the Holy Spirit who says, “It’s ok, I’ve got you – turn the other cheek and trust me.”

 

We CHOOSE to look like Him. We make a conscious decision to love and love again and forgive and forgive again.

 

It’s given me freedom in new levels. That manipulation I used to practice subconsciously to keep people near me and ensure I wouldn’t be lonely has been murdered by this concept. I don’t have to work at it. God has me.

 

Now hear me when I say this doesn’t mean we just lazily cruise through our friendships. Relationships are still work and are still worth it. It means that when you get to that crossroads panic after you’ve had a disagreement with a friend or you’re separated from them, you don’t have to panic. All you have to do is rest in the love of Jesus, trust Him with your relationship and continue to choose to love. Let Him do the rest.

 

In practice, this has looked like loosing people sometimes and trusting the Lord to provide new relationships to fill in those cracks. It’s looked like losing people for a season and then watching the Lord redeem those relationships when I’ve chosen to love anyway.

 

The friend I referenced above went silent for a long time and honestly I needed and wanted her friendship. But she wasn’t in a spot to be that for me. You know who was? Jesus.

 

It wasn’t until I chose to love her anyway and cheer her on anyway, that I started to get healthy. And it was then, that the Lord did a great work in her too and we were able to enter back into friendship powered by forgiveness and a tooooooon of grace.

 

The simple, “You hurt me but I’m going to love you anyway,” put the power back into my hands and gave me utmost freedom. I really think that’s what Jesus meant when he said “Turn the other cheek.” It’s a power move really.

 

He’s saying, “try as you might to break me down, my love for you overcomes it all because it’s the love of God who has overcome it all.”

 

Now as you read this, you might be wondering where you are in your own journey so let me leave you with something to ponder. This is straight from the book and it gave me a lot to think about as I’ve hit probably every level on this scale.

 

Sit with it. Consider it. Be honest. And then ask Jesus to help you grow.

 

Where are you on the emotionally healthy scale and better asked – Where do you want to be?

 

Regardless of where you are, you ARE loved by Him and I can vouch for His ultimate desire to bring you into healing and healthy relationships where you get the privilege of loving like He does. 

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Emotional Infants:

• Look for others to take care of them
• Have great difficulty entering into the world of others
• Are driven by need for instant gratification
• Use others as objects to meet their needs

Emotional Children:

• Are content and happy as long as they receive what they want
• Unravel quickly from stress, disappointments, trials
• Interpret disagreements as personal offenses
• Are easily hurt
• Complain, withdraw, manipulate, take revenge, become sarcastic when they don’t get their way
• Have great difficulty calmly discussing their needs and wants in a mature, loving way

Emotional Adolescents:

• Tend to often be defensive
• Are threatened and alarmed by criticism
• Keep score of what they give so they can ask for something later in return
• Deal with conflict poorly, often blaming, appeasing, going to a third party, pouting or ignoring the issue entirely
• Become preoccupied with themselves
• Have great difficulty truly listening to another person’s pain, disappointments or needs
• Are critical and judgmental

 

Emotional Adults: 

• Are able to ask for what they want, need or prefer – clearly, directly, honestly
• Recognize, manage, and take responsibility for their own thoughts and feelings
• Can, when under stress, state their own beliefs and values without becoming adversarial
• Respect others without having to change them
• Give people room to make mistakes and not be perfect
• Appreciate people for who they are – the good, bad, and ugly – not for what they give back
• Accurately assess their own limits, strengths and weaknesses and are able to freely discuss them with others
• Are deeply in tune with their own emotional world and able to enter into the feelings, needs, and concerns of others without losing themselves
• Have the capacity to resolve conflict maturely and negotiate solutions that consider the perspectives of others