I’ve recently been thinking a lot about all the time before I knew Christ. We’ve already established that with God, nothing is wasted, but I still have FOMO (Fear of missing out) for myself from age 1-25. 

What would I have been like if I had known Jesus through my teens and early twenties? What beautiful relationships would I have had? What would I have learned and tasted and what would have sunk in about Jesus during the trials of college and my early career? Instead of turning to alcohol or parties or money/success to numb my pain, what would it have looked like to turn to prayer or a community of believers? 

I try not to spend too much time in the daydream of what could have been. The bible is pretty clear about the risk of looking back for too long. 

About two years into my relationship with Christ, I had to mourn not knowing the goodness of God before now. That was a season of maturing; a season of traveling back to my memories to gently rest my hand on the shoulder of my old self and promise her things would look different. And even more than that, it was about traveling back to look at her with knowing eyes and forgive her for everything she was doing to hurt herself unknowingly. After all, that’s what Jesus was doing. 

I don’t think it’s for us to know why it took 26 years for me to accept my real identity as a daughter of the king. I don’t know that it’s helpful to analyze or sit in a state of wondering why some find Christ at 4 and some find Christ at 40. Our encounters are all a little different and there is beauty in the mosaic of that. God knows, and that’s enough for me. 

 But, that doesn’t mean that I haven’t struggled with it. And that doesn’t mean that I don’t wish I could have those years back, rewinding the clock and doing it differently, doing it with Jesus. 

Many of my fellow squad mates are in their early twenties, some as young as 21. When I started to meet everyone at training camp, I froze a little. It took me a few days to sort through why my defenses came up but the reality is that I felt a little too old, a little removed, a little behind, a little irrelevant, a little uncool. 

Historically, the race has been focused more on people in their early twenties because, well, people in their early twenties are typically more free to pick up and leave for a year. They aren’t as established and their roots aren’t as deep in any one place. 

That makes sense. 

Leaving a mortgage, a 9 year career, and an established community? To the masses, this all sounds strange, maybe a little irresponsible, possibly quite foolish. 

And If I let the Devil shop through my mind and collect strands of insecurities, weaving them into brittle lies that appear sound, I can lose myself quickly. If I allow him to remind me of the success I’ve acquired, the comforts of all home has to offer me, the fears of the unknown and the fun, all the fun I can have here, I’ll start to dissolve. 

But in the mess of all that, I am reminded of Paul, the very first missionary, who says to take every thought captive.  And as if these thoughts and lies and mocks from others were live animals prowling through my present, I have to capture them, control them and rid of them. 

I have to become a fool for Christ. I get to. 

2 Corinthians 12:10 says “For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

Who is to say if this is easier to do when you are 21 or when you are 30? We all have our challenges. But I will say that a lot of life happened between 21 and 30. 

Which has brought me to an interesting realization worth sharing. I may have FOMO for all the years I didn’t know Christ, which is valid. But what if in the darkness of missing him, he was training me all the while. What if God, out of space and time, was always planning to use every skill, memory, heartache, challenge, and victory for this very moment. What if once again, nothing has been lost at all. 

I can’t remember exactly what I was reading or where I was but a few weeks ago I was thinking again about my age and about how strange it feels to be the oldest one on my squad. Truly a futile exercise, I know, but I’m betting my vulnerability is worth something here.  It dawned on me that Jesus Christ, our model for explaining the Kingdom of God, didn’t begin his ministry till he was 30. 

To some of you, you aren’t finding this particularly mind blowing at all, but for me, it was a detail I had forgotten in my spin of lost time and I believe the Lord wanted me to stumble back on that information as a comfort and encouragement. 

I am the same age as Jesus. I was baptized at the same age as Jesus. What a sweet and beautiful thing to hold on to. The goal of a Christian is to mirror Christ and, God was giving me the gift of parallel to his son in a small, personal way that would comfort me and protect me from discouragement.

I am telling you, the Father is amazing. He is kind and careful and loving in poetic justice. The story he weaves for us is so much more beautiful than the one we could ever create ourselves. 

Fascinated with this parallel, I began to explore reasons why Jesus wasn’t preaching before 30. Why the seemingly “lost” time? Even for him? 

No one but God really knows the answer to this question. Another mystery I’ll add to the list of things to ask when we meet in Heaven. 

We know very little about the early years of Jesus’ life, but what we do know is that he had established a career, he established character through suffering and he had matured to an age considered credible for teaching. 

In other words, God, in his perfect plan, found value in having Jesus live out his teens and twenties in seemingly normal life. Value in training, hard work, disappointment, success, navigating family and friendships, growing physically and emotionally, living, learning, loving, working, hoping. 

If the Son of God needed time to experience the world and grow and mature before pursuing ministry, how can I argue with God’s plan to sharpen me?

Now, I make no attempt to suggest that I could or can stand alongside Christ in any real comparison effort. I can’t. I also make no attempt to suggest that God orchestrated my time without him or my personal battles with sin so that I would be more primed for a future in work with him. He has been seeking all of us since before we were born and doesn’t ever create evil. Know that. 

What I do suggest is that the time was never lost. 

Every sin struggle I faced, every hurt feeling and hard time and every step that felt backwards was a puzzle piece God set to the side and said “I can use this for good. I can recolor this piece so that she experiences reconciliation. I can use this one to teach her how to be a better friend. I’ll take this one and use it as a way to relate to this people group. I’ll use this one to show her how strong I am. I’ll take this one and make it small so she doesn’t carry it for too long. I’ll fit this one in the middle so she learns to trust me.” And on and on and on. 

So careful, so kind. A parent like no other that sees us struggle and fall and never loses sight of the blessing he longs for us and the relationship he yearns for. He literally says, “You are imperfect, but that’s ok, I am making you new. Trust me.”

I’m learning so much about my Father in this season of asking “Why me? And Why now?” In quiet moments with him, he slips in thoughts that lead me to carefully placed revelations that bring comfort and purpose and peace. This is one of many. 

And even as I write this, I sense that there is someone who will read this that believes it’s too late, they’ve gone too far, they can’t be found, they’ve said too much, they can’t be recovered. Please consider the possibility that you are wrong. Take a shot at trusting in the Lord, seeking him and exploring the way he does things. You’ll find that he has many puzzle pieces laid out for you, set aside to use for good. Whether you are 30 or 103, the Son of God or the daughter of a skeptic, a “good” person or a bad one – He sees you, he wants to know you and he really wants you to know him. 

In the Kingdom of God, there is no lost time for the creator of time.