The Next Big “Yes”

The truth is, I’ve had a bit of writer’s block lately. Even as I sit here now, I don’t feel like the words are going to pour out of me like they usually do – but you must know that not every update is a beautiful imagery confetti popper, sometimes I’ve just gotta tell ya what’s up.

The year 2020 has been given such a bad rap. Everywhere you look is a meme telling you how miserable you should feel for living through this year or some joke about wishing it away. I don’t want to discount the pain people have gone through this year and I know it has, in fact, been a rough one for several people. BUT I also think it’s worth saying that many people have had some of the best moments of their lives in 2020. This year broke us of our routines, put us back into our homes, and forced us into spaces where we had to slow down and meditate on what’s important. And for me? This year was a waiting period turned into adventure. I’ve traveled domestically almost as much as I was supposed to have traveled internationally in terms of hours getting to and fro. In fact, probably more. I’ve visited more than 10 states, more than 15 national parks, more than 10 people’s homes and I’ve had the opportunity to learn and grow and experience so so much. God gave me vision in the beginning of the pandemic that I would hit the road and so I did.

Even now, I’m writing from a coffee shop in Asheville, NC. It seems like I’m always far from home these days, possibly a preparation for the future, I’ve thought.

God has kept me mobile, wandering, a little uncomfortable, a little displaced and always looking to Him for what is next. I finally beat my stage five clinging 8 month parasite with a combination of really great doctors and God’s supernatural energy boosts and am even starting to feel a little more human as my body moves forward.

I’ve had plenty of questions from others about what I’ve been doing and how I’ve been doing it and the answer is that God has been clear that He didn’t want me to go back to work. Every time I even entertained it, He either shut the door or spoke loudly that I would be acting out of disobedience and a lack of trust and a fear of man. The only thing he’s blessed is a wacky 22 count Persian rug deal that’s provided some cash flow and some adventure.

But, it’s not fun trying to explain to your parent’s friends why you’ve moved back in jobless. I find myself trying to overcompensate by taking on remodeling projects, and other tasks for my parents while home, even though they haven’t asked for anything. God is still, even after two years gone from traditional corporate, chipping away layers of independence and pride. It’s hard. But I’m letting Him.

And even through the seemingly endless ambiguity and unknown, I’ve known and trusted to hold fast. I’ve burned through some savings, sure. I’ve felt the weight of the thought of potentially wasted time, expected. I’ve run circles in my head wondering what the heck I’m doing and if I’m missing some mark, absolutely. But the thing that hasn’t been a question is whether or not God is with me and whether or not He is leading me to something.

Every time He has asked me to make a big jump or do a big scary thing, He’s been there to catch me. Every. Time. Quitting my career, going to Africa back to back in 2 months, investing in a start up, ending a relationship I really loved, joining the World Race. All high stakes decisions, all hard ones, all with tears. All followed by MASSIVE blessings. That’s the God we serve. If we are willing to say Yes, there is SO much more on the other side, waiting. It’s a beautiful countercultural cycle that looks irresponsible But IS the greatest gift. High risk, high reward. (See? Still using my business background, Dad. )

Since the moment we were called home from the field, God has been telling me to hold fast, to wait and to stay the course. Various things have happened that have led me to this knowing and I want to share them with you because I know that sometimes when I say “God told me….” People scratch their heads.

1. The first thing that God has consistently put on my heart is the phrase “Nothing has changed.” In the midst of the political upheaval and the virus, I was feeling a lot of pressure to get involved in a lot of different things. I was reading new material, sucked into the social media conversation and facing potential conviction in a lot of directions. It was overwhelming and the empathetic side of my heart felt pulled and strained. The phrase “Nothing has changed” might even sound irresponsible at first look, but it was quickly followed by “Don’t get distracted.” In prayer and worship, God was showing me that MY mission, the thing that He called ME to hadn’t changed. People all over the world still needed to hear His name and He still wanted me to Go and Make Disciples. He was asking me to stay the course, to not get involved in other callings, not because they didn’t matter but because His allocation of His people and resources is His to figure out, not mine. He wasn’t calling me to those things. He was calling me to Christian missions and this pause was simply that. A pause, a rest, a waiting. Now, I’m not blind to the implications of this point of view. I know that there are issues out there and people involved in these issues that are quite frustrated with people who aren’t getting involved. I know that it can look easy to sit back and say, “That’s not my problem,” or even “That’s not what I’m called to” but hear me when I say that I believe fully that God will provide the right people and resources to bring reconciliation. He promises it. And I think it’s important to realize that not everyone can be involved in every issue. It’s impossible. If we were condemned every time we focused on one thing over the other, we’d be condemned always. It’s not practical, efficient or responsible to get involved in everything. Get involved in what God asks you to do and you’ll be doing the best you can. For me, that’s missions. At least for now.
2. In August, we found out that our squad would be disbanding. Essentially, we didn’t have enough people re-launching to make up a squad. This was no small blow to my heart. I had spent the year loving and hanging on to this group with nails sinking deep and God had enlarged my heart for every single one of ‘em. I didn’t want to lose them. With this news, we were facing some big decisions. We had seemingly limitless options. We could transfer our funds to a new organization, join a different route, seek a school vs. the race, etc. etc. I felt already that I knew what God wanted from me but I didn’t want to make a hasty decision so I drove up to a mountain and spent the day with God. This looked like a lot of sitting and looking at the mountains and listening – no music, no distractions, just me and Him. No one was out there that day and the quietness and beauty of the overlook calmed me. Ironically God had asked me to go spend time in the very place that my sister died. It’s a beautiful spot and even though it could be rebranded as morbid and sad for me, I like to think it’s the place she chose to meet Jesus. As I began walking and seeking the Lord’s voice I heard Him say “I wanted to bring you back to the place where it all began for us.” Well if that wasn’t enough to bring me to tears. I met Jesus through my sister’s death and He began healing and romancing me the night I found out she died, so in a way, this was a special place for us. After hiking through the woods feeling known and kept, He asked me to stop and sit down and close my eyes. He wanted to show me something. As I sat there, I heard clearly – “PVT is not cancelled.” PVT is the acronym for Parent Vision Trip. While on the race, we have the opportunity to invite our parents on the field to serve with us. It’s a chance for them to see us but also for us to show them what we are doing and how we do it and they usually have some spiritual growth themselves. I was shook. I hadn’t thought of PVT at all. Not once. That’s how I knew it was His thought and not mine. Additionally, PVT is something that happens on the race specifically so I knew He was asking me to re-launch and I knew He had plans for my parents. Beautifully exciting.
3. In late August, our squad got together for a reunion/goodbye of sorts. It was wonderfully emotional in all directions. I hugged and laughed and loved and cried till I was blue in the face and the whole thing was a wonderful reminder of the gift of our squad. At that time, many of us were still wavering on what we were going to do. Will we re-launch, will we go in a completely different direction, etc. I had been feeling specifically attacked at that point. Thoughts of the comforts of home were flooding my mind. I was starting to feel like I didn’t WANT to go back out. I was starting to feel like it might be nice to stay and that God could still use me here and that it might be the more responsible choice, etc. etc. The truth is, I knew that wasn’t the voice of God and I knew that I was being swayed and I knew it was spiritual warfare but I still wanted a little more push and support. In worship, I felt like God was asking me to pray with our squad mentor, Stephanie. He had asked me this the previous day too and I just didn’t want to bother her but after the second suggestion, I knew it was Him. She gladly prayed with me and we both received visions and words from God after about three minutes of silence. He’s quick sometimes! She heard “Tell her to Go, it will all make more sense in the morning” and saw a vision of me with wings. I saw the word Go spelled out and saw me with a team in India wearing masks. Pretty darn clear. Sometimes what you want doesn’t align with what God asks. I still feel the pull of the comforts of home even now and I’m still battling what’s on the other side of this decision, but I know what God is asking me to do and obedience is the most important thing to me whatever hardship waits ahead because of it.
4. The last encouragement from the Lord to go, as if I needed any more, is the financial blessing he continues to provide. Once again, He has asked me not to self-fund and to allow my community to send me. Humbling as always. As I’ve embarked on this road trip I’m currently on to deliver rugs, $600 has come in (not including rug profit), not to mention the $2000 committed to me verbally right around the time I told the World Race I’d be returning. My favorite story of late is one where I went to visit a friend and deliver a rug to her family. She lives near her grandparents and I got the opportunity to meet them. They are quintessential in all ways. Think your American Dream grandparents – Adorable, loving, head kissing, complimentary, cozy home dwelling, smile givers that make you feel like you’re home. We had a few minutes to chat while my friend was busy and it’s just like the Lord to turn that conversation to Him. Before I knew it, they’d asked for my testimony and I had shared a big chunk of my heart with them. They encouraged me and I got to ask them some questions about how and when they met the Lord. I love talking about it. I could sit and listen to the answer to that question over and over again. I stepped away and when I returned there was a generous wad of cash in my hands and my smiling friend who had just heard me say that afternoon, that I trusted God to provide whatever funding I would need to re-launch. Later I would receive another two blessings from people on my road trip and I won’t be surprised as God moves more hearts to give. It’s all Him.

Have I lost you yet? I know this is a long one but it’s quite cropped. I could always go on. He’s teaching me daily.

But here’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for – What’s next?

This Friday, I head to training camp in Georgia. I am quite literally doing it all over again. The route is a bit different and will have to be wildly flexible but it’s still focused on the 10/40 window and those that haven’t heard of Jesus. I’ll have to make it through training camp (Covid precautions style), meet and fall in love with a brand new squad and the plan is to re-launch in January with a hopeful heart. Could we get postponed? Sure. Could I get Covid? Sure. Could I get another parasite or disease? Sure. Could I get sent home again? Sure. Could a million different things happen? Sure. But wouldn’t you re-launch if you had received the things from God I have? If you love and trust the Lord, you surely would. And so I am saying Yes, loudly and for the second time and I welcome your prayers all the while!