From Doubt to Praise – I Know He Hears Me

As my eyes start to open, the light from the curtained window is streaming in. The wind blows the curtain open enough for me to see the boats outside our room swaying. There is a man looking over his fish in his boat in the distance. 

 

My body is sticky from a restless night of sleep in the humid heat. No aircon here.  I feel like I took a series of naps, really. Groggy from a bad dream, I remember where I am. Ah yes. Today is Sabbath and we have arranged a snorkeling trip around the island. 

 

The plan is to snorkel with a few of my team members and then spend the rest of the day on my own. I haven’t really done that yet. In Australia our Sabbaths were precious and unique days that were our own. They were the one day where our schedule was up to us so of course, I used them for adventure and exploring. Waterfalls, beach, precious time with my Mary Grace and Shea, blogging, etc. 

 

There are many ways to rest with God and I don’t believe  that adventure is a bad one but I had been feeling a push to sit with him quietly, read his word, talk to him, tell him my heart. 

 

As I get out of bed, I can already feel the weight of the day on my shoulders. We are in Nusa Penida but we don’t know how long we will be here or where we are heading. Our team is sure about being here for the moment but there is an unrealized heaviness looming that we can’t explain.  The night before, a dear friend had sent me some information on the island and the number of unreached villages and the presence of witchcraft. People have only been coming to the island for a couple of years because the island was cursed.  I am anxious. Will God even use me here? Doubt starts to creep in like an unwelcome guest. 

 

Four of us board the boat with our friend K we met the day before. He is a 24 year old native with great English. His father owns the rooms we stay in and the boat we will snorkel on. He is kind, relaxed, beautiful. As we are speaking with him, I can tell we will be friends. 

 

Snorkeling was a form of worship, church. K got word that there were manta rays in a cove nearby so we sped in that direction. The waves were big enough that our boat was dropping significantly. No fear. I rode it like a coaster giggling the whole way. 

 

As we approached the cove, it was time to hop in and find these gentle, massive creatures. A couple of months ago, I would have been reluctant but Victoria and Mary Grace had showed me what it was like to be curious with the ocean in Australia so after dolphins, sea turtles and even sharks, I felt fairly confident swimming with anything. 

 

Our guide hopped in and encouraged us to swim quickly to find the Manta Ray. About 20 seconds in I saw a swarm of something in front of us. Are those……jelly fish? Clear little creatures with electric yellow/green inside… everywhere. There are thousands. There is no way around them. 

 

Just yesterday, I saw ONE of these and got out of the water.

 

Oh man, oh man, oh man. 

 

“Release control, Lindsey. It can’t be that bad if the guide is leading you through it. And the Manta Ray is up there!” 

 

 

I duck my head up to see if anyone else is freaked out and a girl is screaming from the stings. My group is laughing as we say “ouch, they are getting me.” 

 

It’s not that bad, but it’s not good either. I laugh to myself thinking of the one I swam away from yesterday. 

 

I feel someone grab my arm. It’s the guide. Right below me is a massive, massive triangular gray flat animal with a big gapping hole for a mouth and a long skinny sword like tail. 

 

I should be scared, I think. But I’m not. He moves slowly and flaps like a bird in slow motion. He comes close to me, closer than I’m comfortable, but I let him and I follow him eager to watch him longer. I think of Mary Grace. She’d be so proud of me. Facing another ocean fear. 

 

We chase a few more manta rays through the jelly fish. At this point the stings are getting a little harder to handle. I can feel them buzzing me more frequently likely because of the disturbance we are causing in the water as a group. But the manta rays are so worth watching and swimming alongside. I think of heaven and what it will be like when the lion lays with the lamb. Somehow a human in a school of jelly fish seems like a fair comparison. 

 

The next couple of hours are my personal favorite. He takes us to three different spots to see the coral and the fish. I am ASTOUNDED. The color takes my breath away. The fish are more beautiful and exotic and strange than I imagined. I watch as the coral breathe in and out dancing in the waves. I can see the communities at work – fish eating off other fish, playing with each other like I’m watching a scene at a park – they duck in and out of the coral like trees and bushes. I chase a few different fish that are so beautiful and curious looking that I can’t get enough of them. Eager to touch and swim with them, I hold my breath to dive down till my ears can’t take it.  The current is moving my body in a slow jive that feels wild and calm. I have been transported to another world. 

Last to leave the water, I climb back on the boat my head sore from the mask but my heart alive. God is everywhere. I think of my Dad and how much he would have loved that. I miss him. I miss adventure with him. 

 

Thank you Jesus for the gift of your creation. No one could have pulled that off but you. Thank you for your lavishing love and how you continually promise me that the World Race will be full of you showing off. Please keep showing off. 

 

When we arrived back on land, I had the whole afternoon in front of me. I was surprised at how quickly I became discouraged. I think I was honestly feeling guilty about how much I enjoyed the morning snorkeling. Another thing I’m working through, I often feel like I should be suffering more, hurting more, being sanctified more. 

 

Though I know that voice isn’t the one of my father, it’s a real life/real race struggle. I found a café, ordered lunch and sat down to get in the word and spend some time praying over our time on Nusa Penida. 

 

My prayer went something like this, “Lord I know that when I am weak you are strong. Restore the joy of my salvation to me and help me understand why you brought me here. I am feeling useless and though I know it isn’t about what I feel, I yearn to see you working and I yearn to see what my role in all of this will be. I feel like people back home want to know that I am doing something and I understand that. I want to know that I am doing something too. What you are doing inside of me is enough for me but I pray that you would use me Lord. I want to be a vessel for your love.”

 

I was reading in Mark and suddenly I was overcome with emotion as the Lord spoke to me, “If you died today, your life would be enough. I love you.” He brought a few people back home to mind. People I’ve discipled. People I love.  And the comfort that those few words brought was a fresh wind. I relaxed. 

 

Later into the afternoon, I was on search for a pharmacy to get a refill on my ulcer meds. There is one main drag with a lot on it and a friendly local had drawn me a map that pointed to several pharmacies. Still, I was having trouble finding it. “Di Mana Apotek?” (Where is the pharmacy?) – I said this to several people who would point in a direction that I would follow with no pharmacy or a closed pharmacy or a pharmacy without the medication. I walked the same half a mile drag probably about 5 times. It’s one million degrees. I am hot and tired. 

 

I now feel that all that walking was intentional. The Lord was having me spread light and the presence of the Holy Spirit each step I took. Again. Again. Smile at that person. Pray for that person. Talk with that person. Ask them their name. 

 

I was heading back to our room when I remembered a local woman’s restaurant that had bubble tea. Let’s call her M. I had met her and given her a hug last night. We talked about bubble tea and how I would be back to buy some. My new favorite flavor, Taro, was there. Mmmm. That sounds refreshing. 

 

But first I wanted to go to one more pharmacy up the hill. I headed that way and I tripped, catching myself before I fell into traffic. Whoa. Still determined to get there I kept walking and then I stubbed my toe drawing a little blood. “What the heck?” Ow! 

 

I looked to my right and it was the road that led to M’s restaurant.  I felt that internal nudge. “Go get your tea now.”  “Was that you, Lord? Ok.” 

 

I headed that way and asked for M but she wasn’t there. There was a good little crowd, 3 men, 3 women and they laughed saying she was napping. I decided to walk down the road a little bit and swing back. I wanted to see her specifically; she and I had already connected. 

 

When I came back, she was still absent but I was quickly drawn in by the crowd. They asked me my name and where I was from and two of the men spoke really good English. One was buying tea  and asked my favorite flavor so I sat down with him and ordered mine. Let’s call him Y. Y and I fell into casual conversation quickly. He was a driver and was asking me my plans and why I was on the island. I told him I was traveling with friends and was interested in meeting locals and helping out where I could. 

 

The call to prayer loudly intercepted us as we spoke and I asked him what he believed. He told me he was Muslim but his friend was Christian. “Ok, Lord, what would you have me say here?”

 

Y was philosophical, smart, curious, kind. He asked a lot of questions and I believe he truly wanted to understand. We talked for about 2.5 hours and it wasn’t light. He wanted to understand how we know the bible is true if there are so many translations and versions. We spent a good 45 minutes on that. He also wanted to understand how Jesus and God could be the same and what the heck the trinity was. Good question my friend. 

 

It was hard. Crossing language barriers and cultural barriers was enough to keep things interesting but Y was asking questions that even biblical scholars debate. 

 

Multiple times, I prayed while we spoke asking God to help guide my words. Multiple times I thought, “Am I even making any sense to this guy?” Multiple times he asked the same question over and over. Multiple times I felt twinges of defeat. But every time I felt the Lord saying “Be patient. Sit. Listen. Love him. Answer Him with the truth. Let me do the rest.”

 

Another call to prayer came on and Y needed to go be obedient so we parted. I left with his phone number and a loose plan to have lunch with him and my friends this week.  I left tired. But I left with a huge sprawling smile on my face. 

 

All day I had prayed for God to show me why I was here. All day I had wallowed feeling guilty and useless. 

 

And there in the interception of trying to reach someone completely different, I got to have a 2.5 hour conversation with a searching soul and tell him about Jesus. I got to watch as the wheels turned in his head. I got to pull out my bible and tell him about the disciples and how they wrote down what happened with Jesus. I got to tell him about Paul. I got to pray that he would receive a dream that would explain the trinity to him. I got to love him. I got to see God moving. 

 

After this interaction, I was sure that God was calling me to stay on Nusa Penida and not to move to the next island like my team was planning. Between K and M and Y, there were people here that we needed to keep seeing and speaking with and loving. We had only been here for 24 hours and so much was stirring. God was moving us to stay. I just knew it. 

 

That night as we debriefed EVERY. SINGLE. TEAMMATE. Had the same nudge from the Holy Spirit to stay on the island. Isn’t that our God? I didn’t even have to fight for it. 

 

So I’m sitting here now the morning after this day listening to a local play Hallelujah on his guitar. Isn’t that ironic? I’m sitting here excited to write to you all about how God turned my discouragement to praise yesterday and how if Y is the only person I got to interact with all month, it would be worth it. 

 

But he won’t be the only person and that won’t be the only impact. Not because we are something special, but because God is something special and he brought us here for a reason and he redirects us for a reason and somehow in all his mystery he still finds ways to show us we are valuable and loved. 

 

My journey away from completed works and into grace is a long one but I know that God is working through it alongside of me.  Teaching me. Growing me. Stripping me of pride and replacing it with praise for him. 

 

If he can do all this in one day, what does the year bring? May your light shine Lord and may I be one of the many holding it high.