My First Tattoo

 

I’ve never gotten a tattoo before because I struggle with commitment. What would I possibly want on my body for the rest of my earthly life? I’m changing all the time. Even a bible verse or a cross or something feels cheap to me. Like why? Why so permanent? What could be that important?

 

Less than a week ago I was at launch in Gainesville, GA wondering, “How did I get here?” and “Am I ok?” Holding on to the one comfort I thought I had, which was being near the relaunchers from my old squad, became a joke when we found out that we would have to social distance at launch. They had taped the floor into squares and we were required to stay in those. No hugging, 6 feet apart, masks on. I felt like a leper. I was making others feel like lepers. And to top it all off, I’m a leader so example setting is part of the job description. It was hard. Needed – to get us out of the country with negative Covid tests – but hard.

 

On the heels of everything I described in my last blog “Ripping the Band-Aid Off” I was still struggling to kick it into gear. I could feel the weight of the enemy’s discouragement and it was actually written on my face. I felt unworthy of leadership and wondered why someone so unsure of why they are even here should get the privilege of leading men and women of God saying yes during arguably the hardest time period for missions we’ve had in decades.

 

He sure does equip the called and not the alternative.

 

To be honest I felt like I needed leading, not that I should be the one leading. That lasted for a solid 3 days of launch, but through the encouragement of a few close friends and a kick in the butt from leadership, I started to feel the call on my life come into focus a little more.

 

Once we flew to Guatemala we could hug again. PRAISE GOD. I hugged everywhere. I brushed hair out of eyes, I put my hands on peoples faces, I took their hands. I’m learning physical touch is more of a love language for me than I thought. I took full advantage of the tangible way to love, to feel the warmth of someone elses touch and therefore the comfort that only a physical presence can bring. I had missed seeing their full faces. I had missed sitting close.

 

We had a couple of days with AIM leadership in Guatamela before we went to our host locations. There we learned more about the culture and received language training and all the other things you can imagine we would need. But my favorite part was when we got a word from a guy named Gabe. He was actually preaching a bit, saying some really beautiful things, and then – like a flash of knowledge from somewhere else, the Lord asked him to speak specifically to the re-launchers.

 

He told us that God was so thankful and proud of us for getting on the plane. He addressed the hardship of broken dreams last year and the spiritual warfare he knows we’ve been facing.

 

God was using this man right before me to tell me “I see you, I see how you feel, and I’m so proud of you, Lindsey. I’m so glad you went. I’m so happy you listened to me. I am using you to build an army and together we will take back what the enemy has tried to steal from my people.”

 

I wept. I was emotional because those words were what I needed to pick up my armor, reinvigorate my heart and get back to business. I didn’t know I needed those words specifically, but I did.

 

Just a day later, I’d be faced with yet another hard goodbye, one that had always crushed me last year – separating from the squad. This means my team (just 3 and me because one is stuck at home with Covid and one left the race) goes to our host location and all the other teams go to theirs. We have no in person contact with them until we reunite for debrief which is 5 weeks from now. It’s hard because I love other people outside of my team and I want to spend time with them and make memories with them. We all struggle a bit with the goodbye, but this time I felt stronger. The Lord has made me stronger.

 

Ironically, our team had a travel time of 10 minutes from our launch location to our hosts. Hilarious given some teams had 7 hours ahead of them. I squeezed my friends, encouraged them to bring kingdom wherever they were, and told them I loved them as our van drove away.

 

It would be ok, I knew it.

 

We hit the ground running with our host that day. We found out we would be responsible for cooking all our meals and we would head to the market to buy all our food for the week. Sounds simple but when you have to go to about 8 different places to buy supplies, it’s not. We had sim cards to buy, ATMs to hit and meetings to have. It was all happening.

 

I kept being reminded to slow down, smile, stay calm and listen to the Lord. He was going to provide everything. And of course He did.

 

That afternoon we went to something called “Worship Night” which was started by one of our host’s friends. His vision is to bring believers from all over the city to a neutral location ( no specific church) to worship the Lord. This time we were in a really cool park. Our host plays the drums for it!

 

It was cool because there are a lot of gringos (white people) that attend so we got to brush shoulders with other missionaries as well as local Guatemalans. I had a million questions.

 

We worshiped and sang for three hours straight. Yep three whole hours. I had come to worship tired that night, feeling ill equipped for the ministry set before us and wondering if it mattered, wondering if I mattered here. I often find myself stuck between this strange wall of pride and striving. Like half of me thinks I’m more intelligent or equipped than the jobs before me and the other half of me thinks I’m not equipped at all. It’s just like the enemy to confuse us and send us in circles when the only thing we should be thinking is “Didn’t the Lord ask me to be here?”

 

About 20 minutes into worship I received a vision from the Lord that has changed the trajectory of how I’m feeling. The vision was Jesus sitting in a dark room at a table with a light – think architect drawing table. He comes to me and gently scoops my heart out of my chest and takes it to the table. There he begins writing on it. As I move closer, I can see that He is writing the names of my teammates on my heart and as I move even closer I see that it isn’t a pen, it’s a tattoo gun. I’m flooded with emotion because I know the Lord is telling me that He is going to give me supernatural love for my team that is permanent. That he is going to equip me to be a gentle shepherd leading with grace and love and that I will feel changed. I will feel different. My heart will be transformed, marked. I will feel authentic love for them that will make it a joy to serve them this year.

 

Again, I wept. So so tender these days.

 

Later in worship, God spoke “Feed my sheep” over and over. He downloaded how I would want to leave my mark on ministry but he wants me to leave a mark on my teammates. My direction is to pour into them so that they can pour into others. Not so different than corporate teams I’ve led I suppose. He said “Yea, but we are focused on kingdom goals, not financial ones.” I laughed. “Of course.”

 

For the rest of the three hours, I felt held by the Lord and seen, but also commissioned and commanded.

 

Later my team would encourage me as a leader and speak life into the purpose of God putting me in this position. Seeing myself through their eyes – a powerhouse for the kingdom, they said – led me to worship. I am nothing without Him and all the glory and praise goes to Him because he has breathed new life into my bones and his purposes are greater than I can imagine.

 

All my talents, all my experience, all my gains in every single thing were invisible strings the Lord was using to weave me into what we see now. And its not up to us to judge how much that matters. It’s only up to Him.

 

He’s called me higher, but I know it won’t look like what our culture says success to be. He’s called me braver, but I know spiritual battles are invisible to the thirsty. He’s called me lower, but I know many can’t see that the kingdom is upside down.

 

So I walk into 2021 with a hidden tattoo and a renewed purpose. My heart is on the table and Jesus has the blueprint.

 

I think I’m ready.