A Scene from the Battle Ground – Ep. 1

World Race Day 4 – On the Plane to LAX – Fly to Australia Tomorrow

 

I’m a quick 3 days into the race. In the last 3 days I have said my final goodbyes to my parents, trained with my squad and team and set a tone of unity, peace and love as promises to each one of them. 

 

We are jittery, wild eyed, tired, expectant. We are freshly picked, high on the feeling of living out God’s plan for our lives. Chosen by the one who made us. Called. Plucked out and set aside for purposes that have yet to be fully revealed. 

 

These are true things. Right things. Holy things. And even as I write this, I do so with a small percentage of trepidation because this journey has been, if summed up simply, beautiful. 

 

 

I would be painting a flowery gift wrapped version of the whole story if I told you that it’s been ONLY beautiful. And frankly, a life filled only with beauty isn’t what following Jesus is about at all. 

 

So I invite you into the mess, my friends. The parts I don’t like to show. The really real. I invite you because when we see the hard parts of each other, it flexes our compassion muscles. It allows us to see pieces of ourselves in each other. It encourages us to imagine ourselves doing big things if we know people are doing big things, faults and struggles included. 

 

If my goal is to look like Jesus, then I have to be broken. Period. I have to experience some pain, struggle and bear a few burdens. I have to feel the brokenness inside of me and around me and coming at me. Without this struggle, without the recognition of it, I don’t need a savior and the Gospel becomes diluted. 

 

I had been feeling VERY confident about my choice to race. Until a week ago, I had experienced little to no doubt. I was in radical pursuance of what God had asked of me and the feeling was electric. Calming. Sure. I was so sure. 

 

And I’m sure you felt that. My blogs have been mirrors of how in love with Christ I am, how much he has taught me, how good good good it all is. And it is. It really is. 

 

 

And so it was, that 5 days before launch, I experienced the worst anxiety attack I have had to date. Laying in bed that first night, I was doubled over and tears started falling. 

 

It scared me. 

 

And like a flood, the thoughts came. 

 

Did you really think you would be able to leave so easily? Don’t you remember? You’re an anxious person. God didn’t deliver you from that 4 years ago. You are weaker than the rest of them, unable to fight the battles of your mind. You don’t have worry, you have anxiety with physical symptoms. Come on, this runs in your family DNA; it’s science. How are you going to manage that day in and day out on the race. See how much it hurts now? How will it feel on a dirt floor in India in 100 degrees? They say you are confident and ready, but you aren’t and you know it. You can’t do this, Lindsey. You physically can’t do this. 

 

Waves of nausea, red cheeks, hot breath, sweats, mind battle.  Oh man did I feel small. 

 

That was my reality for about 24 hours and a lesser and lesser version of this would burn through my body for the next 7 days. Even as I write this, I feel just out of the woods, for the moment. 

 

You see, spiritual battle is a real mess. The devil will use whatever he can to get you to a place of deception. He will use, even the good things/people in your life to convince you that God isn’t good and that you don’t actually know him and that you won’t actually be able to walk in freedom with him. 

 

And for about 6 of those hours, I had started to come into agreement with the Father of all lies. So much so, that I withheld asking for prayer because I didn’t want to look weak or needy to any of you or to my squad. 

 

When we come into agreement with the lies of the enemy, we give him permission to sit his ugly rear on our brain and stay there. When Paul says “Take every thought captive,” he means it, you guys. 

 

It hurt and it scared me and I was feeling doubt and depression and worthlessness at a level that felt off in more ways than one. 

 

And ashamed as I am to tell you that it took me 6 hours, I began to remember how to fight and I remembered who my Father says I am. 

 

Out loud, I began speaking out my identity as a child of God, a royal member of the kingdom, a chosen carrier of light, a loved daughter of the King, a strong warrior for the Gospel, a wonderfully made creation. I spoke directly to the Devil, “You. Can’t. Have. Me. You don’t have any authority here. Get out of my head and off of my body in the name of Jesus Christ!” 

 

I reached out to my team and starting receiving texts of encouragement and prayer. 

 

The next morning, 4 separate friends, not on the World Race, reached out saying the Lord had either woken them up that night or alerted them in the morning that I needed prayer and they were interceding for me. 

 

 

God was screaming at me from the Holy Spirit within me and the Holy Spirit within each of my kingdom friends. “I love you. I love you. I love you. Keep fighting. It’s worth it. Remember what I called you to. Remember you are chosen. I’m with you every part of the way. Think of all the times I have reminded you of who you are Lindsey. I will never stop reminding you. You are in the battle but the battle won’t last forever. Cast your cares on me. I will fight this for you.”

 

But it didn’t end with a bow on it. The battle kept rolling. I was tense, nervous, nauseous. I didn’t have the energy to pack, to spend quality time with my family, or even to drive.  I felt like I could puke every second of the next 5 days. That’s just the reality. 

 

The only thing I can tell you is that the Devil’s tape stopped playing and was replaced with the Holy Spirit saying, “I promise you peace. I promise you peace. Peace is coming. Fight with me. It’s worth it.” 

 

And so I did. 

 

Here’s realistically what that looked like. It looked like getting out of bed even when I REALLY didn’t feel like it. It looked like eating that half of a sandwich because I needed strength, even when I wanted to puke. It looked like being honest with my family about what I’m feeling even when I’m embarrassed. It looked like getting a little help from medication. It looked like filling my head with scripture and worship songs and prayers and letting my kingdom brothers and sisters fill me up with encouragement. It looked like being carried by someone else for a change. 

 

Walking into the hotel for launch, I was struggling, but I was also excited. I had been texting one friend about how I was feeling and she had shared that she was feeling similarly. I was eager to be with her, talk to her, share in the feeling and bear it together. 

 

Pack on, and heading up to my room, I had some time before everything started and I didn’t really know what I was going to do with myself. The elevator door opened and perched on a ledge she sat. I had to blink. The hotel was 10 floors, convention focused, huge – but you put her right in front of me because I needed her. Thank you, Father. 

 

Little by little there were words of encouragement, hugs, informational sessions and time with the Lord that strengthened me day by day and I can say that yesterday was my first calm morning out of the storm. 

 

Yesterday evening during worship, FIVE different people approached me with words the Father gave them during worship: Truth, Grace, Crowned, Worthy to Dream, and the Glue that holds our squad together.  He even sent someone from another squad across the room to tell me that my age wasn’t a barrier to the race and God doesn’t need me to be or do anything special to use me. 

 

The Lord cares so much for ME that he would place me on the hearts of FIVE people praising his name and say, go tell my daughter this. 

 

I could just weep. 

 

This is kingdom living you guys. This is the voice of my Father. This is what it looks like to walk with Jesus and with a body of believers with open hearts to his voice. 

 

Is it hard sometimes? Yes. Is it weird sometimes? Totally. Would I ever go back to 2015 and change my decision to give my heart and soul to Jesus Christ? NEVER.  Will I stop praying the prayer of “my hands are open, clean my heart, make me look more like you,” – NEVER. 

 

I can’t say whether or not I will battle this again in some form. It’s likely I will. But the thing that I so earnestly want you to know is that even those of us that battle can walk into what God has called us to. In fact, when we walk in that direction, we will likely battle. 

 

You all have been so encouraging, so lovely. You have spoken such beautiful and wonderful things over me and over my life and in those things are evidence of the Holy Spirit and Gods work in me. But hear me when I say that it has nothing to do with me and my own strength and everything to do with God and his great strength.  I carry no special skill other than the ones my Father imparts on me. All that is good in me, was first good in Him and is always given by Him. I have weakness and fear and worry sometimes. I lose it sometimes. I am so utterly human all the time. Yet the God I serve enables me to do big things, or rather, enables US to do big things.  

 

What are the big things that God has for you? Have the lies of the enemy held you in place? Give them to Jesus. Share your dreams and needs and desires with him and get so close to Him that you know his voice and you know when it’s time to fight for what’s next. Then, just do the next thing he tells you, even when it sounds big or hard or weird. Last night he told me to take my shoes off in worship.  So I did, even though I still don’t know why. He also told me to give a word of encouragement to a woman about how people would know the Holy Spirit within her just by looking at her eyes. I had no way of knowing she had recently recovered from an eye infection that kept her from her God given gaze.

 

Walk in obedience and be blessed. He promises peace and I promise it’s worth it. And the best part? You’ll be wowed the whoooooole time.